Today we had the wonderful pleasure of hearing Laura Hall speak about Hall Mediation Services. Laura Hall has a Master’s Degree of Public Administration, Bachelor Degree in Legal Studies and Economics. Laura has been a mediator for over nine years. Couples she works with reach agreements that fit their unique family’s needs and put them on the road to successful co-parenting. (mediate.com)
Laura talked about the Goal of a Mediator is to be transparent in communicating
Conflict is an opportunity. Laura sees conflict as an indication that something isn’t working and an opportunity to fix what is broken and believes that the vast majority of people do the very best they know how to do. Through mediation Laura helps families have difficult conversations and work together to create agreements which help them move forward in a new way. Prior to becoming a mediator Laura was a non-profit administrator for organizations which served individuals from all over the world and from a variety of socio-economic backgrounds and faiths.
All behavior is communication. Laura talked about “Fighting Words” like telling someone they are ugly, lazy or not smart which can be a button that is pushed because deep down we are worried it is true. There is a neuroscience “Fight or Flight” that happens. It usually takes 20 minutes to get calm once a button has been pushed.
Laura recommends to have three questions that are your go to when you are put in this type of situation. She gave us an example which would be “Tell Me More” which puts it back on the other person, vs reacting in a negative way. The foundation of conflict is we are unseen, unheard and unvalued. Conflict doesn’t have anything to do with the person whose button has been pushed. Something going on with the person we says the fighting words and they are projecting onto someone else. When Laura is working with Divorcing couples, the argument that is about the garage not being taken out, is not really what the argument is about.
Laura quoted a DR. Phil quote “How is that working for you?”
Shame and Blame make it harder to come to the table. Once everyone is at the table to talk it is a judgement free zone, clarity and setting boundaries. Fear causes misbehavior and people do the best they can with what they know, with the tools they have. Laura’s mediation is forward focus, not therapy. It is solution based not focused on the past. Win/Win. Not Win/Lose
Laura also talked about being a conversation hijacker, when someone is sharing their story, you start talking about how that happened to you, make the story about you not them. By design humans are mirrors of others trying to relate to the story being told. Tools Laura recommends are to breath, forget what you think you know, ask questions and have a conversation with the person.
Being honest, vulnerable shows the human emotions side, it helps communicate what we feel.
For more information call Laura Hall at 360-524-1762 or email lhall@hall-mediation.com